Confession of UNKNOWN

Hello! Yes, I’m still alive and kick’n but no, I’m not doing it well. Anyway, I just had this itch to write something about what’s happening to me and what really the heck I’m doing with my life right now. I don’t know what is this for but I can sense that this might fall back to me ’cause I know, I’m currently not doing anything right, well, that may serve as what I’m doing is wrong. I’m not doing any harm though but I’m no good, too.

So currently, I’m still unemployed. It’s been four months since I ended my last job with the reason of attending Law School but I also withdraw it. Basically, WALA NA TALAGA AKONG KWENTA NGAYON AT ISA AKONG PALAMUNIN. This thing, this situation stresses me out. Sabihan nyo na akong maarte, like wala na nga akong ginagawa tapos stress pa but seriously, hindi ko na din talaga alam. Tipong bigla nalang ako naiiyak na bakit ba ko nagkaganito, bakit ba lahat biglang nawala, bakit hindi ko magawang maging masaya. Well, I’m trying my bestest to be happy, I’m feeling too selfish na nga eh. I’m happy but no good, yuck! Kapal ng fez di ba?! Sobrang happy go lucky! Kasi naman, hindi ko deserve maging masaya afterall ng kabalastugan na ginawa ko at ginagawa ko pa rin.

This year 2018, specifically the 2nd half, brought me a lot of failures, quitting, broken hearts, falling, crying, aches, stress, and all negativities in life. Sinalo ko ata lahat! Hindi sa isinasantabi ko yung I was able to attend school again, travel local and abroad, fangirling and getting allowance again, those really made me happy at some point and I’m so blessed for all of that, pero kasi, meron paring kasi, sa lahat kasi ng natatanggap at nagagawa ko, wala akong maibigay sa iba, wala akong mai-contribute, wala akong kwenta talaga at yun yung nagpapaselfish sa’kin.

I actually started looking for a job after I got home from my solo Singapore trip, that was September pa. I even sent application abroad once (hindi din naman natanggap). As of now, I think already applied for about 30 jobs and went to about 10-15 interviews, failed about 5 of them then another 5 was I don’t feel I can fit with the job, talking about the compensation packages and location/environment of the office. I know, I know, why am I being too picky? Gusto ko kasi sana yung susunod kong magiging trabaho ay somewhere na I can grow as a person for a long time, tipong doon na talaga ako hanggang mag-supervisory and retirement or as long as I don’t have my own business yet. Is that too much to ask? Is that too much for me to think this way? But yeah, when I had this company I thought where I can grow, yun yung companies na binagsak ako sa interview, ang sakit kaya, lalo na yung umabot na ako sa final interview, sa team lead na tapos wala, they don’t think I fit the job so I failed. Yung asang-asa na ako na ito na!!! Magkakatrabaho na ko!!! Tapos nabaril. 😂🔫

So my latest application, kwento ko nalang kasi feeling ko, dito talaga yung hugot ko kaya naisipan ko magsulat at triggered talaga introvert and depressed self ko. Ayun nga, nag-apply ako dito sa isang big company, I passed the exam and went through with the interview. During the interview, basic questions lang naman pero ang problema ko kasi, HIRAP NA HIRAP AKONG MAG-ENGLISH! At opo, nahihirapan pa rin talaga ako iexplain yung sarili ko on-the-spot like she asked me when was the last time I had a problem communicating with other people like your bosses, etc. Pucha. After nya akong tanungin, nag-isip ako mga 10 seconds then boom, “Ano nga po ulit yung tanong nyo?”. Sobrang kaba ko kasi, sobrang daming pumasok sa isip ko, sabay-sabay and the last thing I remembered, I just wanted to escape that room, go home and go to my bed then cry. Lol. Gusto ko na talaga magpakain sa lupa, hiyang hiyang hiya ako. And she felt that, she even asked me if I want to have some delay with our interview since I’m really nervous but I hesitated since all I wanted that time was to finish everything, as well as myself, loljk. Grabe weakness ko na makipag-usap sa ibang tao! (Kaya nga nandito lang ako sa WordPress and twitter, also) Sanay kasi ako na ang kausap ko ay sarili ko lang or yung taong malalapit sa’kin lang. Like if we’ll talk thru messenger, emails, tweets, messages, I’m fine with that but talking in person? Even thru calls! My God! Chills all over my body. Seryoso, yung kaba ko, buong katawan talaga hanggang kaluluwa. Pero sa maniwala kayo o hindi, ayoko na talaga maging ganito, ayoko na nung pakiramdam na umiikot sikmura ko kapag kinakabahan ako, ayoko na nung sumasakit ulo ko pagkatapos ko makipag-usap sa ibang tao, gusto ko na maging confident, gusto ko na maging matapang, gusto ko yung maiexpress ko na yung sarili ko the way na maiintindihan nyo ko at yan yung kinaiinis ko, kasi hindi ko makontrol, hindi ko makontrol na ang bilis na ng tibok ng puso ko at sobra sobra na yung kaba ko na hanggang nagiging taong bato na ako kasi humiwalay na sa katawan ko yung kaluluwa ko.

I don’t know if this fits to a mental illness already (oh shet, ‘wag nyo ko pagtawanan please), pero kasi, sobrang lungkot ko talaga at sobrang nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa. I even wanted to let go everything. I wanted to left everything, to end everything. Pakiramdam ko kasi, there’s no sense for me to still be here kasi wala naman akong ginagawa, I’m a total waste. Even to my family and friends, I can feel no sense at all, I mean, I believe, they can still continue their normal lives without me or even live a happier life without me. Who wants a friend with all the negativities nga naman ‘di ba? Who wants a family who’s old enough to work and yet, she’s still in bed doing nothing. I’m miserable. Who would want a miserable type of person?

Wait. Am I being too dramatic? Umiiyak pa ko ngayon habang sinusulat ko ‘to eh. Hahahaha! 😂 I usually go enthusiastically way of writing. This is so not me.

Anyway, all and all, I still have this right mind that, no, I should not end yet, I SHOULD NOT. I should not be the one to decide when to end everything. I believe in God, He has a purpose why I’m being like this and why I’m in this situation. It’s just that I don’t know what is it. I don’t even know when, why, or how. Pinanghahawakan ko nalang talaga ngayon ay yung LOVE ni God for me, HE LOVES ME. Hindi ako pababayaan ni Lord at alam kong matatapos din ‘to with His grace. Sobrang hirap at sakit lang talaga, susuko na ko talaga pero yung dalawang kamay ko, kay God nakahawak at patuloy akong kakapit. Oh di ba, naging pang preaching bigla ‘to, kahit pang walang kwenta naman talaga ako. 

I don’t know to whom I should really be telling all of this, but if you’ll ask me one, isang tao pa rin nasa isip ko, yung kaisa isa kong Ex, sa kanya lang kasi ako kumportable magkwento ng lahat but now that I don’t think I have the right anymore. Sakit bes. Hahaha! Miss ko na sya. Miss ko na yung may taong makikinig sayo tapos sasagot lang sya ng okay. Well at least, nailabas ko ‘di ba. I still have that sense that someone still listened to me, someone still know me by heart. No offense meant to my girl bestfriends but nasa akin talaga yung problema, hirap na hirap ako mag-open up! Minsan, I have the urge to message someone about what my problem pero after a while iniisip ko bakit ko ipapaproblema sa kanila problema ko? Nakakahiya kasi. Nakakahiya kasi ako.

I just wish and hope that I can get through this soon. Whoever you re reading this, pakisama naman ako sa prayers mo oh? Christmas gift mo na sa’kin. Thank you. 😊 I’ll still continue to pray for everyone’s happiness. Sana gumaan ang buhay ng lahat ng nahihirapan at may pinagdadaanan, kahit anong klaseng hirap pa man yan, mapamateryal, pisikal, emosyonal at mental.

God bless you.

XOXO, Nics. ❤️
PS: I currently still have 4 pending post here in WordPress, should I delete it na ba? Or someone is waiting for it to be posted? Haha lol as if.

1. Ending an 8yo Relationship – I don’t think I can give justice when I post this, I still can get through it eh, charot

2. Monday Currently | 6 – when I had this one Monday morning, I’ll post one. Hahahuhu

3. Coron Part 2 – longdue entry, I even forgot some details already, RIP travel blogger self

4. #LeeJongSukInMNL – too many feels, I cannot just express so now it’s still pending